You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
giddy up Office Depot
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.