WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
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I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Seek kebab; not attention
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.