My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
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“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.