Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
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When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer