I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
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My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
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Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
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Okay, Feds.
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me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
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Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
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My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
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Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
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*takes long drag on cigarette*
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*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
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