I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
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My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Comparing yourself to others
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Every time my phone rings
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause