People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
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me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Dead sexy!!
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse