Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
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I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.