I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
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Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread