*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
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Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same