just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
You Might Also Like
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I need to get some bricks…
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?