When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
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I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.