Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
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After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.