We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
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*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.