bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
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Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?