H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
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I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
#titanic
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart