Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
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I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Not today. 😅
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god