My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
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A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..