Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
You Might Also Like
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.