[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
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My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*