[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
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Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.