How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.