Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
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HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.