if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Best misinterpreted text ever!
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Mission: Impossible
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people