Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
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If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Otters see a butterfly.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME