Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
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I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question