Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
You Might Also Like
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.