On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
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[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
What my back needs
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’