I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
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Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
That’s classic.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Always a metermaid never a meter
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.