This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
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Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.