Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
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Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Oh yeah that’s it
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.