My background check bounced.
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Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
blocked.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok