ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
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Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.