I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
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Sing it!
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….