ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
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Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”