If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
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When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.