Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
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I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I’ll be mad as hell!
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?