what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
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Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not