You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
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“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?