“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
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Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.