Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
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then why did i get this email
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?