my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
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any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.