The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
You Might Also Like
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.