I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
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You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
#parenting
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”