Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
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Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.