Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
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*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.