Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
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Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?