Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
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Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?