I told my vodka about you.
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me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?