People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
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Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
We’re all getting idioter.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”